Don’t deliver a “sh💩t sandwich”

Delivering really bad news or a difficult conversation?
Don’t deliver a “sh💩t sandwich.”

(This is more often called a “compliment sandwich”: sandwiching difficult information between two slices of good.)

It’s a reasonable approach for giving constructive feedback or routine performance reviews: Here’s what’s gone well, here’s what you need to improve, and here’s the generally positive summary.

When the middle part is 💩, though, it doesn’t go down well:
👍 You’ve got a great attitude! 👍
💩 You’ll be laid off if you don’t improve your conversions. 💩
👍 But remember: your customers like you! 👍

🤮

It feels confusing. It feels pandering. It feels insensitive. It doesn’t even feel well-meaning — does my boss really think I can’t see through the meaningless compliments surrounding the dire news?

Here are five things to do instead, in your personal or professional life:

❓ Start with a question, even if this is a scheduled meeting. “We need to talk about something. Is this a good time?” You establish a mindset of agreement to the conversation, or you learn that you need to reschedule. Either is valuable.

🗣️ Get to the point. Start with a moment of opening small talk, skip the pandering compliments (they won’t soften the blow anyway), and get to the bad news.

😐 Be direct but kind. Make your point and ensure it’s heard, but balance that with your humanity. They feel bad even if they’re not showing it. Don’t rub it in.

😔 Norm (and name) their feelings. Hearing bad news sucks. Embarrassment and fear are two likely emotions. Name them, and make space for those or other feelings in the conversation.

🕯️ If you can, leave them feeling hopeful. They should leave a corrective conversation knowing not just THAT there’s a big problem but also exactly HOW to fix it. (Pro tip: this only works if there’s an actual path to success. Don’t do this if you’re firing someone. They won’t appreciate hearing “you’ll find something great!” just before they’re escorted out.)

How have you dealt with difficult conversations or bad news in the past, whether giving or receiving? And have you ever been on the receiving end of a “sh💩t sandwich”?